First Draft

Here is the first draft for our documentary.



After all of the group met up and watched the video together with our seminar tutor, we each had some ideas on how to develop the film to make it a better documentary. The director, Jess, wrote up all of the notes so that we each had a copy.


The changes that we want to make to the piece are as follows:

     1. Don’t come straight in with Eleanor’s voice. Begin the piece with some music.

     2. Beginning feels too choppy.

·         Reduce the amount of cutaways used.

·         Hold shots for longer if applicable

·         Remove front door shot for anonymity reasons.

·         The markings on doorframe use at later stage.

·         Begin the piece with a shot of Jayden’s crib mobile

           3. Reduce the amount of cuts between close up shot and mid shot. Hold each of the shots for longer (Including non-fluency speech may make               piece feel more natural)

     4. Make the subject matter of Jayden’s rare cancer known as soon as possible

·         Begin the piece with “The doctor came in and told me Jayden had cancer” This lets the audience know upfront of the subject matter – Especially as it’s a sensitive piece.

·         Need to establish that it was a doctor who told Eleanor that Jayden had cancer.

     5. Change the name of the piece title. Include the cancer in the title.

     6. Titles need to fit in well with the structure of the piece.

·         Black screen with writing in the middle

·         Tone needs to fit with the personal story

·         Group each sections of the piece with titles.

·         Begin the piece with “In 2013, Jayden was diagnosed with a rare form cancer; Botryoid Rhabdomyosarcoma”.

·         Font needs to be larger and clearer on the background.

·         Text needs to be factual, clear and easy to understand

·         Leave on screen so audience can read it twice.

           7. Have shots on screen with no voice over – Exchange for music. This will take the audience away from the living room.

     8. Include more shots of the family together without voice-overs. This will create a pause/break for the audience to digest information.

     9. Need to establish who Jayden is earlier with a shot of him.

     10. Cut away of rain on the pavement curb needs to be changed.

     11. Insert more cutaways

·         Jayden

·         Jayden and Kayla playing

·         Kayla dancing

·         Kayla kissing Jayden

·         Nature – Leaves, trees, sun, parks, grass, flowers.

      12. Remove the shot of the focus pull on the medicine – Too repetitive and second one is better.

      13. When Eleanor talks about Ian Case – Is this relevant?

      14. Conclude the piece with Eleanor having to leave her daughters – Strong ending.

      15. The piece can be shorter than 5 minutes if this enables us to have a stronger documentary.

      16. The piece will be split in to three sections to create a thematic structure:

·         Home + family – Cutaways of the family together playing

·         Jayden’s illness – Static shots in the home: Bottle, teddy, medicine

·         Fundraising – Leaves, nature, sun etc.: New beginnings – Creates visual hope.